You have to be careful out there.

They Look Harmless

I'm sure you've seen one of these popular snacks near the cash register of your favorite store. That's how they get you. They look attractive and freshly baked. They look filling and handy to eat on the run. It won't be until later that you'll regret your decision.

The Dangers Within

The problem lies in the overall dryness, even in the moistest of the bunch. I've never liked the phrase "wash it down" because it mentally reduces the act of eating from something enjoyable to more of a process. In this instance, if you don't have something to "wash it down" you could be choking on these grainy food imposters.

Yes, Muffins Suck

Of course, I'm talking about muffins. Muffins are the food that is always a disappointment. Muffins can't decide if they are a cupcake or a piece of bread. They are never sweet or savory enough. Muffins serve one purpose and that is to give on-the-go businessmen enough fiber so they can poo by lunchtime.

More Muffin Roasts

Muffins taste like someone tried to make jerky out of dough. Muffins taste like you're being punished orally. Muffins are pastries with a lack of personality. Muffins taste like hippie food. Muffins taste like someone baked bird food. Muffins taste like the last thing you'd eat from your doomsday prepper bucket. Muffins taste like an m.r.e. for horses. Muffins taste like a biscuit made of static. Try giving a muffin to a homeless person and I PROMISE you they will reject it (for real).

Finally

All muffins need to have a government-approved sticker that says:

P.S. You probably need to read my opinion on people being served poisonous tea.